Ask Andy! - Issue 1, Series 1 - June, 1998

Animal lover

Dear Andy:
If a guy was trying really hard to have sex with his dog, (because he can't get a girl and he is really horny) and his dog won't let him, and then he asks for help, what advice would you give him????

Dear Anonymous:
In our culture, bestiality is generally looked down upon. However, it is my opinion that the sexual attraction to animals is the result of a serious chemical imbalance, or some form of psychological trauma, presumably in middle or early childhood. For this case, I'd like to recommend several things. First, do not try to have sex with the dog. You never know where most animals have been. Second, seek professional help immediately. Hopefully, between these two things, you will be able to stay out of "Barfy". Good luck!
At times like this, it would seem best to recommend that this person's friend find a woman, to divert his sexual energies. There are a few problems with this though, among them is that dog humping really doesn't turn you into a chick magnet, and also, as in other cases of other sexual deviancies, the case really isn't a sexual urge at all, but rather some emotional power struggle. It is my most sincere opinion of a casual advice giver that finding a woman would only make things worse.

Responsible teen wants dating privileges

Dear Andy:
I'm having a problem with my parents. I want to go out on a date but they won't let me. I'm almost 16 and I want to date! What should I tell my parents so that they will let me date without getting my butt whipped for it? I don't want to be sweet sixteen and never have been kissed!
Helpless in Portendav

Dear Helpless:
Andy would like to recommend for this one that you do everything in your power to make your parents think that you are "responsible". Contrary to the traditional term, responsible in this category means blind obedience to parents who really have absolutely no idea what they are doing. These acts of "responsibility" include coming home from friend's houses and school functions on time, regardless of what the real world demands. Also, they require that you do not talk back under any circumstances, and always do stupid little things which have no real bearing on your actual ability to survive in the real world, like cover up cheese in the refrigerator and do the dishes without being told. Somehow, these acts of slavery will convince your parents that you are able to make decisions for yourself. Bring these things to their attention, as well as stating that you are almost 16 and a big girl now. From that point onward, you must maintain this facade of "responsibility" and respectability to appease their small brains, abstain form noticeable sexual acts, try not to get pregnant, and remain safely and warmly dressed.

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Disclaimer: The advice given in this column is given strictly on the basis of the opinions of a non-professional.
"Ask Andy!" is written, arranged, edited, and answered by Andrew Frazier
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