Ask Andy! - Issue 4, Series 1 - June, 1998

Singing the VD blues

Dear Andy:
I have contracted an awful new disease from a 2nd street whore. The doctors have no idea what to do and say I have two months to live. What kind of vacation would you recommend for my final VD-ridden days on Earth? I hear Argentina's nice this time of year.
Cursing Prostitution in Rock Island

Dear Cursing:
On a serious note, before I begin this letter, I would like to recommend that you tell the "2nd Street Whore" so that she may avoid the transmission of this disease. Though you're probably pissed at her, you have a moral responsibility to let her know so that she may stop "rendering services" to help curb the spread of this disease. Also, so that she may notify her family, or do whatever she deems necessary at that point. From that point, I believe that anyone who has contracted a deadly STD should tell their family and friends, so that they may begin preparing themselves for their imminent death.
Now, in typical Ask Andy form, I'd like to recommend that you avoid Latin America, and instead, head for Southern Europe. Aside form being cleaner, safer, and having better things to see and do, the medical care there is exceptional, and well regulated considering that many of those European nations are attempting to gain admittance to the European Union. Also, Argentina's women are significantly less attractive, due to seriously warped beauty standard, where the average dress size is a "2", while most women wear a size "10". This has resulted in women that look like they've spent their life in Somalia. Even if you are somehow able to breach the physical disgust that you will experience in Argentina, you must also deal with needy bulimic people, which, though don't necessarily have any negative qualities (please don't be pissed, feminist readers) aren't necessarily the most amusing people to hang with during you last months of life.

Gem of the Day

Any time you think you're ugly, just look at Mick Jagger's daughter, then think of how far she made it in the music video business. Always remember, how far you go in life has absolutely nothing to do with your talents, and everything to do with who your parents are.

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Disclaimer: The advice given in this column is given strictly on the basis of the opinions of a non-professional.
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