Ask Andy! - Issue 8, Series 1 - June, 1998

Close Encounters of a Brand New Kind

Dear Andy:
I seem to be having this genital problem lately.. I have little, green, furry men crawling out of places I didn't think excited. They're really nice and friendly but it's a little creepy, and my boyfriend doesn't like it one bit.. what should I do??
Misery from Mars

Dear Misery:
These "little green men" are actually ultra-dangerous Venusian pubic lice, brought to Earth by the sinister one herself, Michael Jackson. You need to see a doctor right away before they spread up towards your brain, where they will take over your body and initiate phase 49 of their 200,834 step plan. It's not too late to save both our planets, so hurry!

Troubled Waters in the Tunnel of Love

Dear Andy:
I was seeing a guy for a while, but we eventually broke it off. Or rather, he broke it off. The same day, he and my friend and me and another guy went out. We went back to my house for a while, and he and my friend stayed outside in his car (in front of my house) for over an hour. The other guy and I were sitting and talking the entire time. When I went out to check on them, I saw their heads stuck together -- like super glue. I was kind of mad -- not because I want the guy back -- but because of the principle of the thing. By the time she came back in (she was spending the night at my house) and the guys left -- I was too tired to fight. What should I do?

Dear Anonymous:
You don't need friends like this. You have to realize that if she's willing to do this to you, then she's really not much of a friend at all, is she? Furthermore, you really shouldn't get this guy back, for whatever reason. He's a sleazebag and you can do better than that. I'd recommend explaining to both of them how badly you've been hurt, then try to break off contact with her, and definitely DO NOT try to get this guy back. Neither of them are people that you need in your life right now, or ever. Always remember, friends are always plentiful, and there are always other fish in the sea. It's natural to feel hurt by these people, but you have to get over that, or you could be harmed by your own anger. Just dump them both from your life, and then go on with living. I know that such an experience must be extremely painful, but there's really nothing you can say. They both know that what they did was wrong, so it's their fault entirely. Don't worry. Though it hurts now, you'll get over the pain.

Back to the Ask Andy! index.
Back to Tycho's homepage.
Issue 7
Issue 9

Disclaimer: The advice given in this column is given strictly on the basis of the opinions of a non-professional.
"Ask Andy!" is written, arranged, edited, and answered by Andrew Frazier
You can e-mail Andy at
This page is maintained by